Relationship Red Flags: The Early Signs of Trouble

Most of us have experienced that moment in a relationship when we realize that things have turned bad.  One person says something that they instantly regret or another one finally notices the myriad of changes that have been brewing beneath the surface for perhaps weeks or even months.  Unfortunately, we're generally blind to the early warning signs of trouble, and only notice things when it is far too late.  If we could only notice things sooner, then surely problems could more easily be fixed.  Well, it is really only a matter of knowing the early signs to watch for that prevents us from doing just that.

The first red flag to notice is when someone else is still around.  While partners should always be trusting and never clingy, that doesn't mean that you have to be oblivious when an ex is moving back into the picture.  If the ex and your partner have had children together, of course there will always be that connection between the two of them.  But if the ex is hanging around too much and seems to be getting between you and your partner, then there is definitely a problem.  The best solution is to communicate openly with your partner about the anxiety this is causing.   A loving partner will fully understand and will seek to assuage your fears.  

The second red flag is lying.  Even small lies are often evidence of a bigger communication problem within the relationship.  Trust is a very important thing between people.  There is nothing that deteriorates trust quicker than the inability of one partner to be honest.  As the old saying goes, honesty is the best policy.  Even if what we say can sometimes be hurtful, keeping the channel of communication open will be beneficial to both parties.  Once that trust is severed and partners stop speaking honestly with one another, then there is little hope that a relationship will survive.

Another red flag is when you don't like his or her friends.  This is particularly important because it means that you're probably refusing to accept that your partner is more like the friends than you'd like to think.  The reality is that while people occasionally have a weird or eccentric friend, most choose to socialize with like-minded individuals who share the same interests.  As such, if you're partner's friends are immature scumbags, then he probably is one too.  

The final red flag is you find yourself reading too much relationship advice.  While online advice is very useful, it can never replace guidance from a trained relationship counselor.  If a relationship is worth saving, then it is definitely worth the minimal investment required for counseling.  So stop reading and seek help.

When trust becomes compromised, communications often break down between partners and the relationship begins to suffer as a result.  Sometimes a breakup may be inevitable, but every attempt needs to be explored to save that once meaningful relationships.  These special relationships have developed over time with partners whom we can share our deepest thoughts and feelings.  As such, they're priceless and should be treated accordingly.  So how does one go about saving a failing relationship?

First, I believe it is so important to consider the qualities of the person you are in a relationship with which led you to care so much about him or her in the first place.  Compare the person you fell in love with to the person you are currently with.  Have things changed?  If so, what are the changes that have occurred which led to the current predicament?  Successfully examining your relationship requires a certain level of self-appraisal and reflection.  It may or may not come as a surprise to you that you both share a certain level of culpability.  This self-examination may help you identify the core of the problem and thereby elucidate the solution.

Having a heartfelt conversation can be difficult with a partner in a strained relationship.  Nevertheless, it is important in helping to re-establish the bond that existed before the problems began.  Keeping lines of communications open between the two of you is an absolute necessity.  Avoiding or stopping the communication leaves little hope to salvage the relationship, as the two of you will begin to drift further apart from one another. 

Another important consideration to keep in mind as you navigate engaging with your spouse after having an argument is to allow sufficient time for tempers and feeling to settle down first.  Be sure to express your position but try to consider your partner’s position as well.  Listening is just as important as speaking at this point.  The ultimate goal is to reach a point where ideas and feelings are once again being shared openly.  Reaching this point will facilitate and build trust between the two of you again. 

Always remember that the two of you must remain genuine and sincere during this approach.  Any type of deception will most certainly hurt the healing process and the relationship will continue to decline.  If things simply can't be worked out, then perhaps it is time for an intervention.  Counselors are trained professionals who act as a third party to help couples discover not only their problems but also their strengths.  It is the bonds we share that make our personal relationships all the more precious.  So committing ourselves to working through difficult times can ultimately re-establish a relationship and the bond between partners will be stronger moving forward.