Overcoming family conflicts during the holidays

Ah the Holidays.  Time for decorations, shopping, festive nights and lots of yummy food.  It’s also a time, unfortunately, for petty arguments, disagreements and bickering.  Lest you think your family is the only one that has these problems think again; surveys show that one of the most stressful parts of the Holiday season is getting together with the family at one location for the big meal.

There are many that dread this time of year for this simple reason alone. Old wounds that haven’t healed, disagreements that started so far back nobody remembers when they actually started and loyalties to one family member or another that irk the ‘other’ can be a major cause of squabbling at Holiday time and really, who needs that?

This year, to avoid those unsettling and less-than-merry predicaments, it may be time to look at ways to avoid problems rather than just dread them and wait for them to start. For example, if Cousin Joe and Aunt Betty (names have been changed to protect the innocent) don’t quite see eye to eye maybe it would be better to invite them to visit on different days.

If you’re hosting the Holiday festivities (or at least one of them) you may want to send out a note to all invited asking that, for the sake of the holiday and the spirit it holds, everyone put their grudges and petty differences aside and just have a good time. It’s your party so don’t take "NO" for an answer.

The same goes for couples that are having difficulties that may be exacerbated by certain people.  If you know that your folks and his or her folks don’t quite get along then don’t invite them to the same party.  Either have 2 or don’t have a party and go to their respective houses for the big day.

If that won’t fly remember again that, if it’s your house, you can set down the rules for the day.  Heck, you could even buy a whiteboard and write them down for all to see in festive colors and put it at the front door. In the 1980 the biggest stars of the day were asked to ‘leave their egos at the door’ when they got together to record “We are the World’ so surely Uncle Fred and your Dad can do the same thing.

Lastly if all else fails slip some ecstasy into the gravy and sit back while your whole family has a Christmas love-in.  We’re kidding of course but admit it, just for a second you were thinking ”hey, that might work” weren’t you?  No, drugging the family isn’t a good idea but asking and expecting everyone to be civil is.  Christmas is a time for loving, not bickering.  If you have to remind people of that go right ahead. Who knows, they may even thank you for it later.

Couples creating new traditions during the holidays 2

Last week we touched upon the idea of creating some new traditions for the holidays that will bring you closer together as a couple. These new traditions can give you the opportunity, on a yearly basis, to do something together that deepens your commitment to each other and also your understanding of one another. Today we’ll expand on that theme by looking at some specific ways that you can create these traditions and what results that you can expect if you take our advice and use them.

If you can afford it an excellent tradition would be to travel to a place that both of you enjoy very much.  It could be right around the corner or on the other side of the globe but, if you go there once a year, the memories and the shared experiences will help you to form a powerful bond with each other. The sights, sounds, smells and other tactile experiences shared during this yearly holiday getaway can form deep-rooted memories and feelings that will sustain you during the year when, for one reason or another, you’re not getting along very well.  Looking forward to going again can also have a calming influence on both of you during tough times.

Volunteering together is a powerful, altruistic and highly rewarding activity that you can turn into a holiday tradition with ease.  During the holidays all sorts of organizations need volunteers and, working together towards a common goal, you’ll see things in your mate that you might not have noticed (or appreciated) during the year. The sense of satisfaction that volunteering can bring and the pride that it can give you in yourself and your spouse make this tradition one of our favorites.

Normally there is one person that cooks at holiday time but, if you’d like to do something that can strengthen your relationship and can be a lot of fun too, cooking the holiday meal together is a great idea and makes a wonderful tradition.  The fact is, if you can both get along in the kitchen without wanting to stuff the other in the oven you’re doing great!  Food can cue powerful emotions because of all the senses that it excites like the sense of smell and taste.  Adding touch to that, and doing it together, is very satisfying and can bring you closer together like few other activities can.

And there you have them.  Some wonderful new tradition ideas that will bring you closer, create lasting memories and give you the strength to make it through the rest of the year.  Use them, change them or make some of your own but most of all do something. Like any tradition there is always a first time so make this the year that you start one of your own favorites. Happy Holidays!

Couples creating new traditions during the holidays

The holidays, as much as they are supposed to be about giving and opening your hearts, can be a very difficult time if you’re a couple that is having marital problems. If you’re marriage is falling apart adding a bunch of family to the mix can be like pouring gasoline on a fire and some of the fun traditions like decorating the house and putting up the tree can seem more like a trip to the dentist to have a tooth pulled.

The fact is, however, that holiday traditions are the very fabric that binds us together and reminds us that we’re not alone on this sometimes harsh planet we call home.  If you and your spouse are having trouble but are committed to getting through your problems and making your marriage stronger a wonderful and powerful idea is to start some new traditions of your very own.

These can be very simple or very involved but the key is to do something that only the 2 of you do together. It doesn’t have to be just for Christmas or Hanukkah either but can be done for Thanksgiving, the 4th of July and even Groundhog Day if you so desire. Whatever day it is or whatever time of year these new traditions will be something that you can look forward to together, a special time or place or activity that only the 2 of you share.

For example going to a movie for New Year’s Eve could be your new tradition. Away from the crowds and the noise and the booze the 2 of you could snuggle together in a movie theatre and lose yourselves in whatever the newest flick is that year. Trust me you’ll probably have the entire theater to yourself.

Going away to a special place alone for a few days is a great tradition, especially if it’s a place you both love.  The memories that you make every year and the knowledge that this time, this place, is ‘yours’ can be a very powerful way to repair any damage that was done during the year and shore up your marriage for the coming year.

It doesn’t matter what it is that you do or where you do it.  What matters is that you build something together that, over time, brings you closer together. That’s really what a tradition is all about.  Just as Thanksgiving brings all Americans together once a year to give thanks your new ‘couple traditions’ will remind you of what brought you together in the first place and give you a foundation that will stabilize your relationship as the years go by.

Relationship Red Flags: The Early Signs of Trouble

Most of us have experienced that moment in a relationship when we realize that things have turned bad.  One person says something that they instantly regret or another one finally notices the myriad of changes that have been brewing beneath the surface for perhaps weeks or even months.  Unfortunately, we're generally blind to the early warning signs of trouble, and only notice things when it is far too late.  If we could only notice things sooner, then surely problems could more easily be fixed.  Well, it is really only a matter of knowing the early signs to watch for that prevents us from doing just that.

The first red flag to notice is when someone else is still around.  While partners should always be trusting and never clingy, that doesn't mean that you have to be oblivious when an ex is moving back into the picture.  If the ex and your partner have had children together, of course there will always be that connection between the two of them.  But if the ex is hanging around too much and seems to be getting between you and your partner, then there is definitely a problem.  The best solution is to communicate openly with your partner about the anxiety this is causing.   A loving partner will fully understand and will seek to assuage your fears.  

The second red flag is lying.  Even small lies are often evidence of a bigger communication problem within the relationship.  Trust is a very important thing between people.  There is nothing that deteriorates trust quicker than the inability of one partner to be honest.  As the old saying goes, honesty is the best policy.  Even if what we say can sometimes be hurtful, keeping the channel of communication open will be beneficial to both parties.  Once that trust is severed and partners stop speaking honestly with one another, then there is little hope that a relationship will survive.

Another red flag is when you don't like his or her friends.  This is particularly important because it means that you're probably refusing to accept that your partner is more like the friends than you'd like to think.  The reality is that while people occasionally have a weird or eccentric friend, most choose to socialize with like-minded individuals who share the same interests.  As such, if you're partner's friends are immature scumbags, then he probably is one too.  

The final red flag is you find yourself reading too much relationship advice.  While online advice is very useful, it can never replace guidance from a trained relationship counselor.  If a relationship is worth saving, then it is definitely worth the minimal investment required for counseling.  So stop reading and seek help.

When trust becomes compromised, communications often break down between partners and the relationship begins to suffer as a result.  Sometimes a breakup may be inevitable, but every attempt needs to be explored to save that once meaningful relationships.  These special relationships have developed over time with partners whom we can share our deepest thoughts and feelings.  As such, they're priceless and should be treated accordingly.  So how does one go about saving a failing relationship?

First, I believe it is so important to consider the qualities of the person you are in a relationship with which led you to care so much about him or her in the first place.  Compare the person you fell in love with to the person you are currently with.  Have things changed?  If so, what are the changes that have occurred which led to the current predicament?  Successfully examining your relationship requires a certain level of self-appraisal and reflection.  It may or may not come as a surprise to you that you both share a certain level of culpability.  This self-examination may help you identify the core of the problem and thereby elucidate the solution.

Having a heartfelt conversation can be difficult with a partner in a strained relationship.  Nevertheless, it is important in helping to re-establish the bond that existed before the problems began.  Keeping lines of communications open between the two of you is an absolute necessity.  Avoiding or stopping the communication leaves little hope to salvage the relationship, as the two of you will begin to drift further apart from one another. 

Another important consideration to keep in mind as you navigate engaging with your spouse after having an argument is to allow sufficient time for tempers and feeling to settle down first.  Be sure to express your position but try to consider your partner’s position as well.  Listening is just as important as speaking at this point.  The ultimate goal is to reach a point where ideas and feelings are once again being shared openly.  Reaching this point will facilitate and build trust between the two of you again. 

Always remember that the two of you must remain genuine and sincere during this approach.  Any type of deception will most certainly hurt the healing process and the relationship will continue to decline.  If things simply can't be worked out, then perhaps it is time for an intervention.  Counselors are trained professionals who act as a third party to help couples discover not only their problems but also their strengths.  It is the bonds we share that make our personal relationships all the more precious.  So committing ourselves to working through difficult times can ultimately re-establish a relationship and the bond between partners will be stronger moving forward.